Archive for the ‘Featured’ Category
Posted on February 14, 2009 - by Administrator
What is Codependency?
Codependency is an unfortunate situation that a person can find themselves in within a relationship. Often partner 1 will have a weakness, of which makes them depend on partner 2. Partner 2 then goes on to make excuses for partner 1, helping them and otherwise subconsciously enabling that person to continue with their weakness. This is turn makes partner 2 dependant on partner 1 as well, because they feel better about being depended on, therefore encouraging it.
Often, codependency exists in an abusive relationship, although this does not have to mean physical abuse. It is more common among psychological abusive relationships. Partner 1 might have a drug addiction or financial troubles or a drinking problem that becomes their weakness. They depend on partner 2 to help them with money, or help them to buy drink / drugs. The codependent (partner 2) does this because they love and therefore feel sorry for their partner. They also fear that doing anything about it will change the relationship and they also crave the feeling of being needed. While the codependent will convince themselves that this is a win-win situation, it isn’t and will only result on them getting hurt and also becoming trapped.
It will often result in the loss of one’s own identity for the codependent. This does not mean Identity theft – just the fact that they will become a different person and become just as needy as the dependant partner. This need will be bred by fear and low self esteem. The only way they see fit to fix it is to feel needed by their partner and if that means helping them to do something that is not healthy or not right then they do it just to please them.
Codependency will always be accompanied with depression, sometimes clinical depression. The codependent will become so frustrated and upset over the situation and their feelings of helplessness that they will most always become depressed. They will only deal with the situation by blocking out feelings, trying to be a perfectionist, and being hyper-vigilant. They will however become distrusting and possibly ill because of the stress involved.
There is treatment available for codependency. There is a group called Codependents Anonymous, which is just like AA meetings. They provide help and step by step programs to help people regain their confidence, self esteem and hopefully free themselves from the situation they are in. Often, unless the dependent partner is willing to work at their weakness to improve the situation, the codependent must release themselves from the relationship. Due to the dependents weakness, they often take advantage of their partner and use psychological tactics to get what they want out of them. This therefore is not a relationship based on love. It is the best thing for them to get out and start their life again.
The condition can become an ongoing illness for some. Those with low to no self esteem can only find release in aiding their partner’s weakness, thus feeling needed and wanted. They stop believing that there is an answer and so succumb to the advantage taken of them, while outwardly denying it (and making excuses along the way). It is not a healthy relationship and can never be a good situation for anyone to find themselves in. If you suspect you or anyone you might know is suffering from codependency, encourage them to seek help and get out as quickly and painlessly as possible. It will be better for everyone, even the dependent, since they will have no choice than to change their ways also.
Posted on February 10, 2009 - by Administrator
Protecting Yourself against Date Rape
It is a very scary notion to think that there are people out there who deliberately drug a girl in order to rape them. But it is unfortunately an ever increasing reality. It should be a concern for all women who are dating and enjoying causal encounters, and therefore they should have a plan of action so they can get out at the first hint of danger and also protect themselves while they are out.
Firstly, since the most common form of doping a date is to spike their drink, you should never, ever leave a drink unattended. Many of the date rape drugs, such as Ketamine and Rohypnol, come in powder form that are easily dissolved in a drink. Before you know it, they knock you out, without virtually feeling tired beforehand.
If you are meeting a stranger for the first time, be sure to tell or even better, take a friend along with you. This can be done by asking your friend (or two) to sit at a nearby table, just to keep an eye on things, and therefore if you should ever become uncomfortable or wish to leave you can go right to them and leave with them.
Be clear on what you expect and want from the date. Refuse to change your plans or ever go anywhere secluded. Stay in public at all times. This way nothing could happen – although they could still drug you at a bar, so be aware all the same. Have a plan as well. This means knowing what, where and when you will be going anywhere and be sure to tell someone. You can arrange to call a friend at certain times during the date to let them know you are ok. If you do not call, then they can alert others.
Don’t be afraid to ask someone for help if you ever feel scared or threatened. Ask a member of staff wherever you are, or a neighbor at a house if you have gone back to your or their place. This should not be done on a first date, and probably not until you really know and trust the person.
It is never a bad idea to take some kind of self defense classes. This enables you to feel more confident, while at the same time being able to protect yourself physically if someone were to try something.
If anything bad should happen, you should get help immediately. Go to an emergency room or any local authority. They will be able to help. Try to remember every detail of the person you were with and their vehicle, house etc that you might have seen. This will help them to track them down. Also try to avoid washing or changing. Any physical evidence will help.
It is not only women who are victims of date rape, but men as well. It is a crime that is sadly on the increase these days, but you should always do everything you can to try to avoid it. Sometimes, it still happens however. Always have emergency number handy of your friends, family and others who can help. It is inadvisable to meet anyone whom you have a bad feeling about or to meet anyone in a quiet or secluded spot. Stay in public at all times, where there will be more eyes on them.
Posted on February 5, 2009 - by Administrator
Marital Depression: What causes it and how to avoid it
Marital depression is similar to post-natal depression. It occurs in the aftermath of a wedding and honeymoon when a couple realizes that perhaps they have no plans, no organization in their new life together, they feel scared of what may lie ahead and they fear the sacrifices that they have made by getting married.
Although these things sound terrible, it is purely psychological and can be overcome. Both men and women can suffer from marital depression, although it is more common in women since they are typically the ones who crave organization and need to know what’s going to happen. In the absence of this knowledge, they can somewhat psychologically panic, which makes them become depressed and upset.
After a fantasy wedding and the perfection of the day, as well as the pursuing honeymoon, people often then hit the road block – what happens now? Where will they live, what about their jobs, can they do the same things as before? Things always will change when a couple gets married, even if they have lived together for years, simply because they have made the ultimate commitment to each other, and they are ‘locked’ together by their vows and promises. This means sacrifice for each other. They will not always be able to do the things they did before, but instead they must replace them with other things.
There is nothing to fear, except fear itself. A person fears the what ifs, and the maybes. They fear that their marriage will not succeed from that point on, and so become upset, depressed and sometimes it can affect work and social life. But they shouldn’t have any reason to fear. Unless a marriage was rushed into, they will have time to talk and plan from the point of the engagement to the point of the wedding. They must discuss and plan ahead what they are going to do, and do so in agreement, working as a team. A stable partnership is the key to a stable and successful relationship. This doesn’t mean there won’t ever be disagreements and arguments and even those dreaded ‘rough spots’ but that goes for every marriage and is completely normal. These situations just have to be worked through as a team.
A person must realize that their marriage is not going to run smoothly all the time. Things will change as time passes and it is not going to be a fairytale. This realization alone is often all it takes to avoid marital depression, since it prepares a person for the rougher times. Do not expect a marriage to fail – if you do, then don’t get married! Instead just expect bad times as well as the good ones – hopefully more good ones!
You must always be open with your partner as well, about everything. Talking and communication is the ultimate must-have for a relationship. You will never be able to agree and there will be more arguments if people do not talk things through and find a mutual ground. Sometimes your own sacrifices will be made for your partner, but sometimes theirs will be made for you. In the meantime, you will be agreeing and enjoying your new life together. A marriage just needs planning, communication and love. You will find that you both soon get into the swing of things!
Posted on February 2, 2009 - by tommy
Avoiding the Urge to Stray
Work, stress, children, finances, boredom. These are all a part of daily life, and yet they really take their toll on couples. Occasionally, if there is one person working and one staying home to housekeep or care for children, there is likely a rift that will emerge between the two of them. Even if the two people work, they can bring home their own stresses and problems from their jobs, which ends up finding its way into personal lives. Some couples will find that they are becoming less and less intimate and argue more about little things. These little disputes can cause one or both people to be tempted away by offers that appear to take them away from their problems and add some excitement to their lives.
These offers are affairs. When someone good looking comes along, flirts, and seems to be everything they ever wanted, without one problem, it can be difficult to say no. However, they breed nothing but more problems, guilt, regret and disgust for yourself.
The secrecy that must be obtained during an affair can cause more stress to start with. After that, one feels guilty for betraying the one they love, disgust that they could do something like that and a whole mixture of emotions that can cause more problems at home than they initially had. They may find that they start snapping at their partner in a subconscious attempt to drive them away. If they become frequently angry at them, then they have a slight and feeble justification for what they have done. But this is never the truth.
Becoming angry at their spouse for something they have done is not the answer. Driving them away will only drive away someone who loves them and whom they love. When the affair ends, which they more often than not do, they will find themselves broken and alone. There is nothing good that can come from cheating.
So what if your home life is not as it used to be? You argue more, you never have sex, the stresses in life are getting you down and right in front of you is the opportunity to stray and experience some brief excitement, just begging you to accept..?
The key is to take the reigns in your relationship and change what you want changing. That is not to say try to change the person you are with, because people rarely change. But you can affect your situations, what you choose to do day in and day out, what you wear, where you go etc. As unfair as it may seem that it has to be you who changes things (maybe they are thinking the same thing) you can’t expect people to be able to read your mind and do it for you.
If you feel the need to spend more time with your partner, set aside at least one hour a night for each other, whereby you might make love, chat, watch a movie together, go out anything you feel you want. Turn the TV off and occupy the kids with a babysitter or a good movie if you wish. Distractions must be out of the way so you can focus on each other.
Reminisce. When you chat and laugh about the things you used to do, funny events that happened in your life together, it can draw you both closer to recall the good times, and inspire you to have more good times.
Spice up the sex life with different things. Each time you make love, you can vow to change position, location, activity, roll play – whatever you need to reignite the flame.
Make sure you always remember why you fell in love in the first place, and aim to get back to that point. Therefore, during the day, whether at work or at home, spend your time thinking about what surprise or scenario you can invent for that evening for your partner. This will help you to avoid thinking about Mr. or Ms Affair, and concentrate your thoughts on the real love of your life.
By using your imagination and acknowledging why you love this person, you can divert your thoughts and feelings from straying, and learn to love and appreciate your partner all over again, possibly with some added, fun extras!
Posted on January 25, 2009 - by Administrator
Dating a Best Friend’s Sibling
What hot water we can find ourselves in when we realize that we have developed feelings for a best friend’s sibling. There is some unwritten rule that you just don’t become involved with family members of your best friend, and when those feelings are reciprocated, it seems like there can be some tough choices to make. The question is if you’re good enough for your best friend then why on earth wouldn’t you be good enough for their sibling? In most cases the answer is that you are good enough. People worry about the break up discomfort and having to choose sides when the relationship doesn’t last. Why everyone assumes that the relationship won’t last is another question for a whole other article.
Posted on November 19, 2007 - by Administrator
Tips for Planning the Perfect Wedding
Your wedding day. The greatest day of your life. Well it should be…and it will be with some careful planning. Here are some handy tips:
1) Delegate – On the day the bride and groom are the stars of the show. They should at no stage be involved in talking to the receptionist about Aunt Doris’s room or the fact that the lock is broken on the gents toilets. Make a list of who is in charge of what, most people will be honoured to help. Put someone is charge of lapel flowers, someone in charge of checking everyone in (if at a hotel), someone to show people the seating plan etc.
2) Rehearse – Run through the day as you see it going and look at the timings of things. Allow a little breathing space in between things like the meal and the photo’s. Things can crop up and the last thing you want is to be rushing. Guests don’t mind standing abour chatting and having a drink, its what people do at weddings.
3) Don’t fuss about others – The day is your day. Don’t worry too much if Brenda from the office hasn’t got a seat next to Malcolm, let them sort it out themselves. Don’t feel like you have to run the whole event, let the event manager sort things out, you have paid him enough to do it!
4) Suppliers – Make a list of the people you have booked and ring them seven days to ensure they have the correct time, the correct venue and they know what they are doing. Leave nothing to chance, it will also put you mind at ease on the day
5) Enjoy it! – It will be the fastest day of your life and hopefully you’ll only do it once. Make sure you are not wishing you had done this and that the day after. Do it all, make it special and just relax…there is a way around most things when everyone pulls together.
Posted on November 19, 2007 - by Administrator
When Mr Right Becomes Mr Wrong
Does his character rate as high as his physical attraction?
At the beginning of a relationship, that time when you meet someone and the chemistry starts buzzing between you, both of you are putting your best foot forward. It�??s only natural that we all want to show ourselves in the best possible light and, in the early stages of a romance, this is very easy. After all, most people can put on an act! However, its not so easy as the relationship develops and you get to know each other better. In short, we can only act for so long before our true self begins to emerge.
When two people first meet, it is as comparative strangers, so you know little or nothing about each other. And, very importantly, there have been no disagreements or discord between you because there is no history between the two of you; no knowledge of each others past, likes and dislikes, irritating habits, etc. Therefore, there is usually only joy in your heart towards each other in the early stages of a romance and your prime thoughts are centred on the chemistry that is buzzing between you and the wonderful future that you envisage sharing together.
As time passes and you spend more time together, the relationship develops and usually deepens. This inevitably forces you both to reveal more about yourselves and – here comes the crunch – your personality and character.
Now, heres the rub. In order for a relationship to deepen as well as develop (subtle difference here) you have to love someone warts and all. To do this, you have to like a persons character, which is the real person behind their personality.
Let me explain.
Personality and character are definitely not one and the same thing. For example, its possible for a person with a shy, timid personality to have the character of a gangster. And the character of a lying, cheating, conman may be camouflaged by a bubbly, fun personality.
Now you might be happy falling in love with a gangster or a conman. Thats your choice. You might even choose to stay with someone that you love, even though you might not actually like their character. I dont know.
What I do know is this. That unless you share the same morals, and have similar beliefs and values, then there is little chance that your relationship will be a long and happy one.
To have a successful relationship, its absolutely vital that you see, hear and feel things in the same way and that you share mutual goals in life.
If you dont, then your Mr Right is definitely Mr. Wrong.
Annie Roy-Barker is a psychotherapist and leading relationship coach, with an extraordinary ability to help you resolve your personal and relationship difficulties. Annie will motivate, guide and inspire you with her incredible techniques for enhancing your relationship, spicing up your love life, or getting your loved one back after a break up. Annies mission is your happiness and helping you get your love life right on line.
Posted on November 19, 2007 - by Administrator
Make Love, Not War
Some people say that arguments are a normal part of relationships. My many years of experience as a psychotherapist and relationship coach lead me to disagree.
Differences of opinion are a normal part of relationships. And it will always be so, because we are human beings. Most of the time, it is possible to say OK, you have your point of view and I will have mine.’ And thats all there is to it.
However, when two people have a major decision to make, then that requires either agreement, compromise, or one person giving way entirely. It is at this point that a difference of opinion can turn into a full-blown argument. And when arguments become a way of life, the going can get really tough.
Constant arguing is extremely damaging to a relationship and to the individuals involved; the main reason being that most couples are unable to stick to the point in question. Past history is often dragged up; blame and accusations are hurled at each other; and each partner is determined to be right instead of attempting to understand the others point of view.
Making love, not war, is far more pleasant. So here are a few pointers to guide you towards a peaceful, balanced and loving relationship.
· Take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. Dont criticise or blame. Be a calm, positive adult; stay focused and mediate.
· Remember that its impossible to make someone else change. Only they can do that. However, if you adjust your own behaviour, your partner will invariably react differently towards you.
· Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Listen attentively; consider what is being said to you; and put yourself in your partners shoes.
· Ask questions to make quite sure you are quite clear about your partners point of view
· Ask yourself �??Are you arguing simply because you want to be right and retain your pride?
· Use humour to get your point across. Humour dispels animosity and makes it easier to explain how you feel.
· Remember your goal.
o To resolve, not blame
o To create a win, win situation
o To be happy, not right
Annie Roy-Barker is a psychotherapist and leading relationship coach, with an extraordinary ability to help you resolve your personal and relationship difficulties. Annie will motivate, guide and inspire you with her incredible techniques for enhancing your relationship, spicing up your love life, or getting your loved one back after a break up. Annies mission is your happiness and helping you get your love life right on line.